Eight things I DON’T need to do again

1. Wear this vest:

What the HELL was I thinking?

What the HELL was I thinking?

I think the evolution of many green-minded conservationists involves a reggae-listening, non-conformist, I buy all my clothes from op shops phase. I went through this phase while living in London and I’m sorry to inform you that this vest was worn in public. Mostly to reggae music festivals, where upon reflection I am guessing others must have assumed I was dressed up as a clown and on my way to a circus. Happy to say the vest has not been worn for a number of years now.

2. Internet dating

It goes without saying why I won’t even need to do this, d’uh I’m married, yes I know. However, for the sake of the post hear me out. A few years back I lived in a share house. My two female housemates were both actively dating what seemed liked gazillions of eligible men via an apparently reputable internet dating site. After some coercing (and a few date-free months) I agreed and signed up to “the Grid”, as we called it. What ensued was either creeps going straight for the kill, or really, really awkward cups of coffee and me making up an excuse to leave early. And then came the day when I was matched with the fourth occupant of my share house, a man obviously. It was awkies in the house to the max after that one let me tell you. We eventually laughed about it thankfully. The Grid was not for me.

3. Fall for a beauty gimmick, e.g. toxin sucking pads you stick on the bottom of your feet when you sleep. Refer exhibit A:

Seriously?

Seriously?

These things were gross! If you’ve ever used them you’d be aware of the greeny-black slime that appears to have been sucked out of the soles of your feet. There was a time in my life when I would have fallen for anything the was going to make me thinner, younger looking or healthier with no effort at all. What’s hilarious is that I would stick these on my feet when I’d get home after a night on the turps and think it might reduce my hangover the next day. I can confidently say it never worked.

 

 

4. Forget to delete photos of my boobs off my phone

It happened a few times. I’d be flicking through the photos showing people pictures of my daughter, or Mr G would be showing a friend photos on my phone. Cue: full frontal breastfeeding photo or ulcerated nipple (a result of breast feeding).

5. Have a hangover that lasts longer than it takes to make a cup of coffee

My wedding in July this year was the first night I really let my hair down. It took me almost 72 hours to recover. And to be honest, I really didn’t have that much to drink. Not compared to how much I’d drink on a Before Kids party night. My poor liver just can’t deal with it these days. And toddlers don’t stop – they don’t understand that mummy doesn’t feel well, and then the guilt kicks in. Negatives far outweigh the buzz as far as I’m concerned. For the moment anyway.

6. Eat low fat ice cream or any low fat dairy product

With the exception of some low fat milk, low fat dairy is simply wrong. Everything in moderation. And you can SO tell the difference.

7. Watch “Toddlers & Tiaras”

Holy crap – have you seen this show? It is an abomination! I love a good trashy TV show (self-confessed The Only Way Is Essex fan #towieforlife) but this show is just terrible. It’s a train crash that you can’t look away from with open mouth, wide eyes and infrequent gasping as the horror of mid-west America, parading young girls around like prize cows at the fair.

And finally, last but not least…

8. Have a Brazilian wax

Do I need to explain why? Muff said. (LOL! See what I did there?!)

xx Sarah

So, now it’s your turn – what do you never need to do again?

 

 

6 thoughts on “Eight things I DON’T need to do again

  1. My local woolies recently discontinued their only ‘fatty’ yoghurt and now have only that watery, overly sweet chemical shitstorm yoghurt or brands the kids don’t like. Bleerrgghh!
    Things I never need to do again:
    1) Have my waters break in bed.
    2) Try to grow my hair long. (But maybe THIS TIME I’ll actually do something with it..?)
    3) Listen to the theme song of Thomas the Tank Engine.

    Like

  2. Michelle, was that the Ski Divine that’s no longer around? That’s my favorite. Full fat good old plain vanilla yogurt. Grr.

    1.) Perm my hair. I asked for a perm for my birthday in 3rd grade. Mom let me have one. Baaaaaaaaaad idea. Let’s just say I had triangle hair for a few years until it all grew out. Think Marge Simpson’s sisters!

    2.) Cut my own bangs. Especially just before junior year… bad school photos.

    3.) Try online dating sites like eharmony. I went on and did the questionnaire and one of the match results? My brother. We both deleted any and all traces of that experience posthaste!

    4.) Date the first guy who asks online. I got my stupid hair decision out of the way, and the stupid boyfriend decision too. Just not the right guy at the right time. Just bad. Never did that again. However, the very next guy I met online (not through a dating site), I married. Right guy, right time, perfect fit.

    5.) Have bangs from kindy to senior year of high school. Just, no. Never again!

    Like

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